Standing by a strength of my own

What do you do when your only reason you felt excited to get out of bed has gone away?

All I did this past weekend was sleep. I tried to do other things, I even left the house a few times, but it all felt like a moot point.

I wish there was something to be excited for, but I can't find a thing.
I remember when I used to wake up so ready to conquer the world. I had dreams and I was going to achieve them. Everything was exciting and new. Everything was an inspiration. It was all planned out it was all going to work. But it didn't. Now I just feel stuck with no way to get out. I'm so tired of having no money. I work so hard and still nothing. I feel completely misunderstood by nearly everyone around me. I'm talking and talking but no one hears what I'm trying to say.

The events I used to love doing feel stressful and hard to deal with. Going to the theatre makes me feel nothing but remorse and jealously for not doing what I wanted to do with my life. And now movies and starting to feel the same way. Nearly every time I go to a movie I wish I was in it not watching it. And my family is no help. I can't even shout an insult at a soccer game without my mother telling me how I'm going to ruin my voice and not be able to sing on Broadway. I am 100% aware that I am never going to sing on Broadway. I was never good enough, and I never will be. I've accepted this, why is this so hard for my family to accept?

What makes it worse, is the person I felt most inspired and understood by, the person who made me feel like I could achieve anything, is the person who made me realize how completely alone I am in this world. If I've learned anything this past week, its that everyone can, and probably will let you down. Even those closest to you. There are so many people that are fair weather friends, they love to be there when thing are going well, but if you are upset or sad they have better things to do. You have to look out for number 1. You are the only person you can count on.

Its hard trying to determine who your real friends are. I am very good at letting people in to soon. I always end up hurt. There are many friends who think they have the answer of what you should do. Its easy for them to tell you because they are not in your place. Its always easier to fix someone elses problems before your own. Oddly enough, the people who I felt were most understanding to me this past week. Where people who I don't see everyday. In fact I don't think I've seen either of them in over a year, but both sent me messages of comfort, concern, and complete support without telling me how I should change my life. Or the key to fixing all my problems. But with just a quick email and text I knew they are both there for me 100%
And that meant the world to me.

Saving My Face
KT Tunstall
See the look on my face
From staying too long in one place
But every time I try to leave
I find I keep on stalling

Feel like a big old stone
Standing by a strength of my own
But every time the morning breaks
I know
I’m closer to falling

I’m all out of love
All out of faith
I would give everything
Just for a taste
But everything’s here
All out of place
Losing my memory
Saving my face
Saving my face


I’m listening to what you say
Even though I look the other way
You could never understand
The feeling of what I’m needing

I’m all out of love
All out of faith
I would give everything
Just for a taste
But everything’s here
All out of place
Losing my memory
Saving my face
Saving my face

Leave it all to me
I will do the right thing
Maybe I’ll be everything I need
Leave it all to me
I will do the right thing
Maybe I’ll be everything I need
Leave it all to me
I will do the right thing
Do the right thing *(no 3rd one)


I’m all out of love
All out of faith
I would give everything
Just for a taste
But everything’s here
All out of place
Losing my memory
I’m losing the best of me