Except, I don't. I really, really don't. I wish I did though. I feel like moving there would in some ways be a giant cure all to many of my problems. Sure, I love Broadway, and shopping, not having to own a car, and all my pals that live there. But when I think about moving somewhere, the idea of moving to NY makes me want to hurl. And not in a nervous, excited sort of way, but in a OMG that sounds horrible sort of way. :( I hate all the buildings. I hate how dirty and crowded the city is. I hate the subway and I refuse to move somewhere that has snow. I just won't do it. If I peace out of the place I am moving somewhere I don't have to deal with snow.
The thing is, I LOVE my little city. I like knowing where everything is. I like seeing people I know everywhere I go. I love my mountains and my dry air. I like knowing where I'm going and how long its going to take me to get there. I like my airport and my two malls. I like my little farmer's market, and I like knowing where I can drive to if I want to visit goats or horses or donkeys or llamas. I love fry sauce and my soccer team and all the great friends and memories I have because of it. I love Sundance and The Dodo Restaurant and my family. When I think about parting with these things my heart breaks. So whats a girl to do?
I despertly miss my friends in New York now more then ever. I miss making videos with Brain and eating at Sizzler while someone has their wedding dinner, and a kid bites Brian. I miss Jessica cooking Penne Vodka, walks with Abby and streaking her courtyard while wearing just a fake fur stole. I miss driving around with Whitney, talking to her in person and making up songs about soccer players. I miss playing games with Spencer and all of us signing karaoke. And I miss straight up just seeing Doug. While I am so happy they are all out in the big city making there dreams come true a big part of me wants them all to come back to stay, and things to go back to how they used to be.
I definitely feel like I need a big change in my life. But is moving the answer? I know I can't move to NY. I know it in my heart and soul. But what then? As some of you know things haven't been so great with me. I'm so thankful for all the amazing people in my life. I have some wonderful friends. I can't say enough how much I love the people in my life here.
I am totally aware people grow and change. They have experiences, or meet people and sometimes then transform. Sometimes its for the better, and sometimes not. Its incredibly hard when the person you once considered closest to you, now feels like a total stranger, that you never even knew. Its hard when the fighting outweighs the laughing. I am trying so hard to focus on all the good in my life, but its hard when there is one big negative issue. I've been thinking about how things used to be when my Friends now in NY were here, and I felt like I had a million best friends. I really miss those days. While I am making new relationships with people I adore, I miss the one I had with my "best friend forever" and I often feel incredibly alone. There has been a complete udder breakdown in communication and I don't know what or how to fix it. Maybe its beyond repair. Maybe people on both sides are just way to hurt by things that have been said or done. Maybe its to late to try and make things better. I really don't know. I'm not trying to cause drama or say hurtful things. I'm just hurt and I don't know what I should do anymore. Do you pretend everything is fine and just walk on eggshells to try and avoid the next blow up? I'm totally out of ideas.
Sorry if this is depressing. I'll find a pic of a cat or something and put it up.
4 comments:
Baby girl, moving to NYC (or anywhere) is not a solution to whatever's going on with your friends. Good lord, Brian and I barely speak anymore! And we're both in NY -- so what's our excuse?
People change. Priorities change. And that's ok :)
If you ever need an ear, pls call me. My number hasn't changed. And while I may not have all my own shit together, I know EXACTLY what it's like to be in your shoes :)
Lots and lots of long distance hugs and kisses!
XXOO
S
Heidi! Honey I think you are right. You do need a change... but moving is not necessarily the answer. Honestly I would LOVE it if you moved to New York... or to New Jersey with me-but you'd have to do it after you cleared things up with your current life. This past year has been wonderful/horrible but I know that you will get through this.
The other day I was complaining to one of my coworkers that my brother had a perfect life and I was jealous. My coworker looked at me and said, "Well Jess, I'm sure your brother has a much better attitude and that is why good things happen to him." I wanted to punch her for saying that! But... when I went back to my desk and started to think about it, I realized that she is right. So much that happens to us in our lives has to do with our attitude or outlook. I know it is HARD to do when so many things seem to be bad... but try and focus more on the things that are actually going good and things may turn around.
I also think that you need to just make an effort to get involved with some new activity. It doesn't have to be something that costs a bunch of money... but try and do something that you can meet some new people. On the other hand, I am starting to think that it is just our age, or that time of life where you really are forced to figure out your shit.
I love you so much and I wish I could fix things for you, but you and I both know that we have to fix our own problems first.
That all being said... please come and visit. You do have sooooo many people here that love you.
I really love this Avett Brothers lyric: "The weight of lies will bring you down and follow you to every town, cuz nothing happens here that doesn't happen there. So when you run make sure you run to something and not away from." Moving should never be to escape a life you think you want to get away from - it must be about going TO something great. So find something good right there, in SLC, the place you love, and run to it as much as you can. And remember that running to New York would not really be running TO something good - you'd be running to the memories of things that are no longer, and you won't find them to be any more real in New York. And try not to miss all the good things you have now (you just listed a bunch of them) by longing for good stuff you used to have. (And most importantly, remember this: You still have us all as your friends, and we love you a lot - the distance doesn't change that.)
Thank you all for teh messages and support. I heart you all!
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