Yesterday was an awful day. On top of a million other things I'm trying to deal with Hiba officially announced she is moving out. This comes as no surprise. I have been expecting this for quite sometime. But that doesn't make hearing it any easier. And it doesn't make the money aspect any easier either. I have absolutely no idea what to do. The easiest option seems to be to move back in with my mom. Unfortunately the very thought of this makes me lose the will to live. I love my mom. But, we get along much better when we don't live together. And Jesus Christ there would be FOUR cats in that one condo.
Besides that I have to deal with the offical lose of the person that used to be my best friend in the entire world. The person I could have fun doing anything with. The person who knew every gritty detail of my life. The person I always got pedicures with. The person who my family had over for holidays. The person who I could laugh for hours with. The person who made just sitting on the couch watching MTV the best part of my day. The one person who I completely believed I could trust with anything and who would always be by my side.
That person is gone. There have been many events lately that have showed me that the person I thought I could trust always, wasn't someone I could trust anymore. The person I thought I knew well, I didn't know at all. We've grown up. We've grown apart. Hiba is getting married to the love of her life. Someone I can't get along with. I've tried. I want her to be happy. I hope Andrew can make her happy forever. Yesterday she told me she wanted me to be her maid of honor still. I told her I can't.
I can not imagine, with all that's happened lately standing right along side someone on the most important day of their life and pretending to feel OK about it. I support Hiba in her choices 100 percent because of the friendship I used to have with her, but I can't promise to agree with them or help celebrate them. I can not imagine myself being involved in those very importanat wedding details. Throwing her a bridal shower. Helping her pick out dresses. Helping her get ready on the big day. I can't. I'm heart broken. This was not an easy choice, it was a horrible one. The worst. I didn't sleep at all last night. I hate this choice but I think it is the right one.
She thinks I've changed. I think we've both changed. I've been told her friends think I'm a stuck up brat. That I think I better then everyone. OK. Fine. So be it. It hurts my feelings to hear that people I once considered close to me say that, but if thats their opinion. They can have it. I can't feel sad about what others say about me. The Twitter and Facebook jabs are ridiculous and hurtful. The tears have to stop. I spent two months crying over the lose of my best friend. I can't do it anymore. At some point I had to wake up and say, OK. Enough is enough. You have to move on. You can't cry forever. So I did. As certain people in my life pushed me away, others pulled me closer. I'm not a bad guy. Neither is Hiba. There is only so long you can fight for something till you have to give up. No matter how bad it hurts or how bad you miss someone. My life is changing in a lot of ways. Hopefully for the better.
Hiba thinks it will help our friendship to move out, I don't. I am not mad at her for moving out. I am just incredibly sad about how things have gone with our friendship. I always thought when she got married , I would be there every step of the way. I thought I would love her husband. I thought our friendship could survive everything. I thought we would be best friends forever. I have so many amazing memories with Hiba. I will cherish them always.
Breathe Me
-Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
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