
Except, I don't. I really, really don't. I wish I did though. I feel like moving there would in some ways be a giant cure all to many of my problems. Sure, I love Broadway, and shopping, not having to own a car, and all my pals that live there. But when I think about moving somewhere, the idea of moving to NY makes me want to hurl. And not in a nervous, excited sort of way, but in a OMG that sounds horrible sort of way. :( I hate all the buildings. I hate how dirty and crowded the city is. I hate the subway and I refuse to move somewhere that has snow. I just won't do it. If I peace out of the place I am moving somewhere I don't have to deal with snow.
The thing is, I LOVE my little city. I like knowing where everything is. I like seeing people I know everywhere I go. I love my mountains and my dry air. I like knowing where I'm going and how long its going to take me to get there. I like my airport and my two malls. I like my little farmer's market, and I like knowing where I can drive to if I want to visit goats or horses or donkeys or llamas. I love fry sauce and my soccer team and all the great friends and memories I have because of it. I love Sundance and The Dodo Restaurant and my family. When I think about parting with these things my heart breaks. So whats a girl to do?
I despertly miss my friends in New York now more then ever. I miss making videos with Brain and eating at Sizzler while someone has their wedding dinner, and a kid bites Brian. I miss Jessica cooking Penne Vodka, walks with Abby and streaking her courtyard while wearing just a fake fur stole. I miss driving around with Whitney, talking to her in person and making up songs about soccer players. I miss playing games with Spencer and all of us signing karaoke. And I miss straight up just seeing Doug. While I am so happy they are all out in the big city making there dreams come true a big part of me wants them all to come back to stay, and things to go back to how they used to be.
I definitely feel like I need a big change in my life. But is moving the answer? I know I can't move to NY. I know it in my heart and soul. But what then? As some of you know things haven't been so great with me. I'm so thankful for all the amazing people in my life. I have some wonderful friends. I can't say enough how much I love the people in my life here.
I am totally aware people grow and change. They have experiences, or meet people and sometimes then transform. Sometimes its for the better, and sometimes not. Its incredibly hard when the person you once considered closest to you, now feels like a total stranger, that you never even knew. Its hard when the fighting outweighs the laughing. I am trying so hard to focus on all the good in my life, but its hard when there is one big negative issue. I've been thinking about how things used to be when my Friends now in NY were here, and I felt like I had a million best friends. I really miss those days. While I am making new relationships with people I adore, I miss the one I had with my "best friend forever" and I often feel incredibly alone. There has been a complete udder breakdown in communication and I don't know what or how to fix it. Maybe its beyond repair. Maybe people on both sides are just way to hurt by things that have been said or done. Maybe its to late to try and make things better. I really don't know. I'm not trying to cause drama or say hurtful things. I'm just hurt and I don't know what I should do anymore. Do you pretend everything is fine and just walk on eggshells to try and avoid the next blow up? I'm totally out of ideas.
Sorry if this is depressing. I'll find a pic of a cat or something and put it up.